On the night of November 2023, David Moffatt of Moyne Road, Ranelagh, was arrested on O'Connell Bridge for having engaged in threatening, abusive or insulting behaviour. Unlike the other criminals who were arrested during the Dublin riots, Mr. Moffatt was unable to attend court the next morning. According to the Irish Examiner, "Mr Moffat was not brought into court after the judge was told he had soiled himself in the cells."
The way I see it, one of two things happened. This adult man either forcefully pushed a hard log of shit out of his dilated ringpiece and mushed it up between his repulsively hairy ass-cheeks until it was a hummus-like paste, or he let a stream of hot liquid feces squirt out of his well-loosened ass-opening in a similar fashion to a new-born infant. (The difference being that while babies poo into their nappies, David Moffatt, an adult male of 45 years, scatted directly into his underpant.) Either way, the result was similar, this brave Irishman ended up with so much shit in his cacks that he was not allowed enter a courtroom until he had cleaned the fecal matter out of his hairy ass-crack.
This is a statement of historical fact and significance. David Moffatt dirtied his underwear at least once in November 2023.
The Irish Examiner claims that the soiling of David's britches occurred in the cells, but David claims to have unleashed his anal sewage while he was being arrested. He has asthma, and so when the gards put him in handcuffs, he naturally voided his colon. At first I thought he had done it to repel foreigners, but it turns out David wasn't actually in town for the riots (see below). One can only wonder if he was in physical contact with anyone when it happened. Was he making eye contact with his captor? What facial expressions did he make while defecating into his pantaloons? Was it an act of revenge, or has he not yet learned how to use a toilet? Did he throw the beshat underwear in the bin or did he rinse them off? Did he keep them as they were as a trophy of his achievement?
David is an interesting man. He was a Labour candidate for the Mayo county council in 2009, but after he came ninth out of ten candidates, he moved to London. He claims he was only in town to buy a bag of chips on the 23rd and absolutely wasn't participating in the riots. Personally, I believe him. What would a person who had experienced the hardships of emigration be doing at an anti-immigration riot? Our David might be a pants-pooer, but he's definitely not hypocrite.
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